Disneyland-on-Sea: a Frozen cruise to Norway

I am really not a cruising kind of person. My dream holidays involve independent hotels, food, alt-culture and self-catering houses with owners who understand the appeal of a mid-century Danish chair. So I’ve always dismissed cruising – with its gaudy decor and ra-ra entertainment – as tacky and unimaginative at best, socially shameful and environmentally reprehensible at worst.

But one day, the editor of a glossy magazine asked if I would test out a cruise. A Disney cruise. To Norway. With a Frozen theme. My friends cackled with laughter. But bearing in mind that my Anna-loving six-year-old would never forgive me for putting my snooty reservations above her pleasure, I went – leaving my views on children’s gender roles, food ethics and aggressive marketing techniques at home.

For one week, I tried to find my inner child. And it was liberating and fun and joy-filled and surprisingly enlightening.

The ship was the Disney Magic, a floating behemoth with pools, water slides, theatres, magic shows, bars and gyms and spas over all 10 decks. There are four of these ships traversing the world’s oceans; it’s like Disneyland-on-Sea, except there are no queues and less parental involvement. Our route took us from Copenhagen, my favourite city, up the Norwegian coast, passing Bergen and then Gerainger, the village that inspired Frozen’s fictional Arendelle.

But this is a coastline whose mystique goes way beyond cine-tourism; it’s a place of looming purple mountains topped with snow and grey-tinged landscapes hiding Viking burial grounds, rugged cod fishing communities and legends of trolls. I spent hours, nursing crap cups of coffee, just gawping. It’s so rare and uplifting to see the world from the water that it didn’t take long for me to concede that these cruise fans might be on to something.

As ships go, the Disney Magic is not the chicest. It’s a bit plasticky and, from towels to lights to pudding, there are Mickey ears on everything. Every time the boat docked, When You Wish Upon a Star honked out loudly across the harbour, which made me cringe, and then laugh, too. There’s no getting over middle-aged adults huddled in excitement at the prospect of a hug from Belle.

Yet I found myself swept up in the ridiculous illusion of it all. The magic of limitless ice-cream. The magic of reading a whole book in one sitting because I couldn’t tear my child away from the kids’ club (“Cinderella is coming later and we’re going to play bingo with Donald”). The magic of not having to make decisions about dinner (guests are on a rotating schedule of restaurants; the food is unexciting but competently cooked). The fantastic staff who keep telling us they’re just there to make the magic happen. But mostly the magic of my daughter’s joy at comparing ear length with Goofy, meeting Elsa (spoiler: “it’s not the real one, she’s wearing a wig”) and dancing along at a high-energy deck party, while I necked alcoholic blue-and-pink slush puppies. There’s something refreshing about casting off the shackles of propriety and embracing an experience so unashamedly geared at children (and adults who wish they still were). As an affordable, grown-up, sophisticated holiday, it completely fails. But as an entertaining family experience, it ticks almost every box.

• The trip was provided by Disney Cruise Line (0800 171 2317, disneycruiseline.co.uk), whose seven-day all-inclusive cruise from Copenhagen to Norway on the Disney Magic, departing 29 June, costs from £1,243.50pp, excluding flights. A similar Mediterranean cruise departs Barcelona from £1,139pp (price based on 27 August departure)