OPINION/MCCULLOUGH: Death ends a life, not a relationship

“Death ends a life, but it does not end a relationship, which struggles on in the survivor’s mind toward some final resolution, some clear meaning, which it perhaps never finds.”

From “I Never Sang for My Father” by Robert Anderson, 1911-2009

As the oldest in a large family of children and a parent myself, it’s no surprise that children can ask some difficult questions. A conversation with a close friend brought this to mind the other day. He has a young son, and we were talking about being the father of a little boy. He and I went to the same college; I’m older than he is, but we have stayed in touch over the years and he often he often asks me questions about being the father of a little boy.

He stayed in New England after we finished college, and he went off to graduate school, but we still kept in touch, and grew closer, if anything. He had an uncle who was in college with me and who lived in Rhode Island and we had stayed in touch, too. So our friendship grew even more over the years, even though he had moved hundreds of miles away. He met a woman from Falmouth. They had mutual friends from high school, eventually spent more and more time together, and fell in love, and he spent more and more time here on Cape Cod, and more and more time with me here on Cape Cod.

His Falmouth love did not last forever, so he eventually moved to the North Shore to Beverly and took a job there — where he met Kim, wife of Fred, a guy he worked with in Beverly. Fred was a good guy, and Kim was sweet and beautiful. And then, tragedy. Fred was killed in New York City in a business travel accident. My friend helped Kim with some insurance papers and legal stuff. Then they had lunch, and dinner, and then went out on a date, and a wedding and a honeymoon. Some years after that, baby Andrew appeared, and moved in with the family in the Marblehead neighborhood.

A week ago Friday, on 9/11, the family was having dinner in Marblehead. During the meal, Andrew raised his head from his plate and said, to nobody in general, “Do you realize that it was 19 years ago today that those planes crashed into the World Trade Center? (They must have been talking about it in school.)

All conversation stopped cold. My friend looked up his wife, who said nothing, but just looked straight ahead. Andrew did the same. My friend spoke in response to the boy’s question. “Yes, it was Sept. 11, 2001.”

Then, more silence at the dinner table as each returned to their dinner (and their thoughts).

I’ve known a lot of deaths in my lifetime. Some close to me; others not so close. Some as close as it can get. Some in my presence. Some minutes previous. Some expected. Some out of the blue, fast and unexpected as a bullet. None the same as any of the others.

Robert Anderson was right. Death ends a life, but it does not end a relationship. Many of the people I’ve known who have died are people with whom I still have a relationship. Some of them, I talk to every day. Some of them talk to me every day.

Dan McCullough is a Cape Cod Times columnist. Email him at dmccullo@capecod.edu.